I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
