I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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