I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
