The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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