i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
