I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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