I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
