The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
