I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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