When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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