you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
