theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
