Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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