You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
