I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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