FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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