new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
