Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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