I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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