At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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