he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She bit a glass in half.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
