My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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