I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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