I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
time to smoke my breakfast
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize