Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
