I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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