For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
