fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
