What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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