I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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