I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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