i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
