don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
