He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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