god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
