Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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