Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize