OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
