angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm getting married
To pizza
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
