you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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