Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
