I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
