I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
