I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
