Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
