Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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