went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
