ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
