I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
