that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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