I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
