dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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