Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just had sex bonerless
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
