so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
