Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
My pussy is not your playground.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Randomize
