someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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