sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
