I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize