Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
